Buying BitCoin…

I am typing this while I buy BitCoin…

and drinking wine. Long time followers of this crucial internet blog will know that I don’t know what bitcoin is, but I am interested in getting my virtual hands on some.

The equally crucial WikiHow will be helping me (

WikiHow to Buy BitCoin

  1. WikiHow confirms my suspicion that bitcoin is a completely nonmaterial currency. Troubling? The internet don’t say so.
  2. Ok, WikiHow says to learn about bitcoin mining? * < that's an asterisk that means to see the asterisked note below.
  3. This WikiHow business is not helpful. If you are newb, avoid. On to the next one…

Well, that sucked. Next on the “internet” was CoinBase (

CoinBase Attempt

  1. Step one: “Sign up for CoinBase”… No.

Another failed attempt.

Whoa, whoa, whoa… the third hit on the “internet” was BITCOIN.COM? Why wasn’t that hit #1?

Alright, my attempt:

Buying BitCoin with

  1. It says to “Inform Yourself.” Thanks to WikiHow, I feel so informed, my eyes are bleeding.
  2. Choose your wallet is step 2. Wallet?
  3. Alright, I did all the boring reading for you, and I don’t know nothing about no BitCoin security, so don’t trust me; but, I went with BreadWallet on the iPhone. For those of you uneducated types, that’s an app found in the “App Store” on your iPhone. The app image look like this:
    Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 8.22.36 PM.png
    When you set it up, you are given a series of words called a passphrase. I don’t know nothing, but the app says it is super important that you never lose/share/misinterpret these words. Because of this warning, I am scared to share mine. But, it involved the word “spider.” And, no, I am not scared to share it because I am afraid you will be lose your minds as if you had seen Cthulu.

  4. Third step says to find an “exchange.” Look, “internet,” I literally want to give you cash money USD and get BitCoin back. I am the perfect victim. Why is this so hard?

    Alright, there is an American exchange called CoinBase. Wait… I already went to CoinBase and they said I had to be a member. To spend money? Why kind of club is this?

  5. Ok, ok. I did some research on CoinBase. Looks fine? It claims to have been around since 2012. And, from my extensive, investigative “Googling,” it sounds like a lot of credence revolves around the lifetime of these companies. So, for example, I would not fiddle with somebody who had just opened in 2017, because they don’t have a history/”reputation to protect,” and they could be just an open-up/get-your-cash/close-doors operation. I’ll try this CoinBase thing.
  6. It demands I enter an email. I got one. It looks like this:
    Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 8.31.48 PM.png

  7. Well, Hell fire, man. It wants me to give em all sorts of detail about my personalities. That blacked out area is where my email was, because I don’t trust you blog-reader types.
    Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 8.37.25 PM.png

  8. Well, what in the Sam Hill is this gahbij?
    Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 8.45.21 PM.png
    This website wants to make sure I am a human by asking me to identify street signs?! Looks, I ain’t no Silicon Valley rock star; but if I was a Google Street driver, I would think to myself, “Wouldn’t it be useful if we could identify street signs?”

    I mean, if I were to lose my future bitcoin fortune of $10 USD because a Google Street driver made the wrong move, I would be upset.

  9. It asked me again:
    Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 8.45.36 PM.png
    Needless to say, I was successful in identifying the street signs blocks and what not.

  10. Ok, now it won’t let me sign in. I had to send an “I forgot my password” email to my recently added email address. Then again, I ain’t no pro, so I might’ve done the password wrong.
  11. Ok. It turns out you have to have cookies enabled. Most of you probably will, but I didn’t because I am crazy.
  12. I gotta decide what kind of BitCoin account I have and/or am going to have? Ok…
    Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 9.02.50 PM

  13. Ok, so this website asks for your phone number, and then it texts your phone. It texted me a code like you would get if you had two-factor authentication or whatever for your GMail account. I haven’t given this thing any information yet that could break my bank account, so, I feel pretty good about this!
  14. OMG!, As SOON as I said that! And this wasn’t even planned or nothing. This was totally I typed this as I was doing it:
    Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 9.12.57 PM

  15. Okay, so now I gotta decide… Do I move forward with this and give up my personal bank account info?
    I mean… somebody before me had to have done this… Ok, to be sure, I am going to do some extra Googling of CoinBase. Be back shortly (though, to you, it will look like no time at all).

  16. Ok, ok, ok. The “internet” seems to think that CoinBase is pretty safe. Apparently, they are “insured.” I know what insurance is, but I do not know what “insurance” is when you are talking about strings of numbers (which is what BitCoins are, apparently).
  17. So, this has to be a scam right?
    Screen Shot 2017-05-01 at 9.23.44 PM

  18. Well, because you followers have been so loyal, I have decided to put myself at risk so you can know whether or not CoinBase is safe.
    To be clear, I am taking all of the risk; so soon I will have a bitcoin wallet to which you can send donations or congratulations.

  19. Ok, I am waiting on those charges to hit my account. So, a page came up that mde me think I had to type in the numbers I wanted to show up in my account; but, apparently, this was a field in which to type the charges I will receive. So, I am waiting for that.

To be continued….


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