I am typing this while I buy BitCoin…
and drinking wine. Long time followers of this crucial internet blog will know that I don’t know what bitcoin is, but I am interested in getting my virtual hands on some.
The equally crucial WikiHow will be helping me (http://www.wikihow.com/Buy-Bitcoins).
WikiHow to Buy BitCoin
- WikiHow confirms my suspicion that bitcoin is a completely nonmaterial currency. Troubling? The internet don’t say so.
- Ok, WikiHow says to learn about bitcoin mining? * < that's an asterisk that means to see the asterisked note below.
- This WikiHow business is not helpful. If you are newb, avoid. On to the next one…
Well, that sucked. Next on the “internet” was CoinBase (https://www.coinbase.com/buy-bitcoin)
- Step one: “Sign up for CoinBase”… No.
Another failed attempt.
Whoa, whoa, whoa… the third hit on the “internet” was BITCOIN.COM? Why wasn’t that hit #1?
Alright, my attempt:
Buying BitCoin with BitCoin.com
- It says to “Inform Yourself.” Thanks to WikiHow, I feel so informed, my eyes are bleeding.
- Choose your wallet is step 2. Wallet?
- Alright, I did all the boring reading for you, and I don’t know nothing about no BitCoin security, so don’t trust me; but, I went with BreadWallet on the iPhone. For those of you uneducated types, that’s an app found in the “App Store” on your iPhone. The app image look like this:
When you set it up, you are given a series of words called a passphrase. I don’t know nothing, but the app says it is super important that you never lose/share/misinterpret these words. Because of this warning, I am scared to share mine. But, it involved the word “spider.” And, no, I am not scared to share it because I am afraid you will be lose your minds as if you had seen Cthulu.
- Third step says to find an “exchange.” Look, “internet,” I literally want to give you cash money USD and get BitCoin back. I am the perfect victim. Why is this so hard?
Alright, there is an American exchange called CoinBase. Wait… I already went to CoinBase and they said I had to be a member. To spend money? Why kind of club is this?
- Ok, ok. I did some research on CoinBase. Looks fine? It claims to have been around since 2012. And, from my extensive, investigative “Googling,” it sounds like a lot of credence revolves around the lifetime of these companies. So, for example, I would not fiddle with somebody who had just opened in 2017, because they don’t have a history/”reputation to protect,” and they could be just an open-up/get-your-cash/close-doors operation. I’ll try this CoinBase thing.
- It demands I enter an email. I got one. It looks like this:
- Well, Hell fire, man. It wants me to give em all sorts of detail about my personalities. That blacked out area is where my email was, because I don’t trust you blog-reader types.
- Well, what in the Sam Hill is this gahbij?
This website wants to make sure I am a human by asking me to identify street signs?! Looks, I ain’t no Silicon Valley rock star; but if I was a Google Street driver, I would think to myself, “Wouldn’t it be useful if we could identify street signs?”
I mean, if I were to lose my future bitcoin fortune of $10 USD because a Google Street driver made the wrong move, I would be upset.
- It asked me again:
Needless to say, I was successful in identifying the street signs blocks and what not.
- Ok, now it won’t let me sign in. I had to send an “I forgot my password” email to my recently added email address. Then again, I ain’t no pro, so I might’ve done the password wrong.
- Ok. It turns out you have to have cookies enabled. Most of you probably will, but I didn’t because I am crazy.
- I gotta decide what kind of BitCoin account I have and/or am going to have? Ok…
- Ok, so this website asks for your phone number, and then it texts your phone. It texted me a code like you would get if you had two-factor authentication or whatever for your GMail account. I haven’t given this thing any information yet that could break my bank account, so, I feel pretty good about this!
- OMG!, As SOON as I said that! And this wasn’t even planned or nothing. This was totally I typed this as I was doing it:
- Okay, so now I gotta decide… Do I move forward with this and give up my personal bank account info?
I mean… somebody before me had to have done this… Ok, to be sure, I am going to do some extra Googling of CoinBase. Be back shortly (though, to you, it will look like no time at all).
- Ok, ok, ok. The “internet” seems to think that CoinBase is pretty safe. Apparently, they are “insured.” I know what insurance is, but I do not know what “insurance” is when you are talking about strings of numbers (which is what BitCoins are, apparently).
- So, this has to be a scam right?
- Well, because you followers have been so loyal, I have decided to put myself at risk so you can know whether or not CoinBase is safe.
To be clear, I am taking all of the risk; so soon I will have a bitcoin wallet to which you can send donations or congratulations.
- Ok, I am waiting on those charges to hit my account. So, a page came up that mde me think I had to type in the numbers I wanted to show up in my account; but, apparently, this was a field in which to type the charges I will receive. So, I am waiting for that.
To be continued….